Lunch
by Caelisenna
Summary: Tooth defends her cooking, Jack defends himself, Bunnymund questions the value of analogies and tofu burgers, Sandy attempts to be the non-existent voice of reason, North wants some aspirin, and Pitch has taken over McDonald's. Sequel to Breakfast.


**A/N: This is a sequel to Breakfast, so a lot of things here might not make sense if you haven't read that story. I have nothing against tofu burgers and whatever your food preferences are. Every belief stated in the story is just for comedy.**

**Also, I'm taking creative license and saying that everyone in this story can see the Guardians because they all believe or something.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Rise of the Guardians or McDonalds.**

* * *

"Well," North stated cautiously, having regained the full power of speech once more. "While it is indeed past noon, I think that it would just be easier to have breakfast."

Jack looked positively horrified at the unorthodox thought. Or perhaps the lack of color in his face could be attributed to Tooth's pancakes. "What? No! We can't do that! Everybody knows that breakfast is in the morning and that lunch is in the afternoon. It's a solid rule."

"Frosty, there's a thing called brunch, you know," Bunnymund's sarcasm was not lost on the winter spirit.

"I know that! But brunch is like buying used cars from Pizza Hut. It seems like a good idea at first, but when you actually do it, there's a whole bunch of things wrong with it," Jack seemed pleased with his simile.

"That makes as much sense as _you_ do! And Pizza Hut does not sell cars!"

"That's my point, Kangaroo! Pizza Hut is to cars as North's expectation of us eating breakfast at noon is to my previous analogy!"

North decided to put an end to the duo's nonsensical bickering before his headache could be exacerbated. "Boys, I have a wonderful idea. Why do we not just-,"

"Let me cook!" Tooth interrupted, beaming from ear to ear.

All three males were immediately thrown into stunned and terrified silence. Sandy remained as stoic as usual.

"On second thought, lunch sounds wonderful, Jack!" North exclaimed, making sure that his voice was only two octaves higher than normal.

Jack and Bunnymund quickly nodded, both too traumatized by the morning's experiences to elaborate on their viewpoints. Tooth looked somewhat enraged, and North found himself debating whether death by pancakes or death by a woman's wrath would be more painful.

"What's wrong with my cooking?" Tooth interrogated, in the type of tone that offered no room for actual honesty.

"Nothing! It's just that..," Jack began, but was quickly petrified by the full force of Tooth's glare turning upon him. "We...uh," His voice came out as a small squeak. "We thought that it would be nice to eat outside for a change?"

Tooth was all smiles again. "Good idea, Jack! Where do you think we should go?"

Jack seemed to be startled by Tooth's sudden change in demeanor and took a minute to regain his bearings. "McDonald's?"

"Well, why not Burger King? I'm in the mood for burgers!" Bunnymund declared, causing everyone in the room to stare at him. "What?"

North cleared his throat. "No, it's just that...we assumed that you were vegetarian?"

"What? Where'd you get _that _crazy idea?"

"You're a rabbit," Jack deadpanned. "Rabbits eat carrots and stuff."

"Oi, I am not a rabbit! I'm a Pooka! Besides, I have to get my protein from _somewhere_!"

"There's tofu!" To North's immense relief, the winter spirit decided to let the Pooka comment slide.

"Are you suggesting that I eat tofu burgers? Instead of real meat?"

Jack was silent for a moment before agreeing. "Haha, yeah, that stuff is like Tooth's cook-..."

"Crap."

* * *

Thirty minutes later, all conflict had been mostly resolved, and the Guardians were climbing into North's sleigh.

"Jack, are you certain that this is a good idea?"

"Yeah, I'm positive!" The teenager beamed. "The people at McDonald's will definitely be able to see us! After all, they named one of their desserts in my honor! The McFlurry! See, since I stand for snow and all..."

North was suddenly dubious of Jack's theory. "Um...Jack, I do not believe that that was named for you. Perhaps this is just a coincidence?"

"Of course not, North! Besides, if it was just a lucky accident, how do you explain...this?" Jack held up a picture of terrifying, pale-face, red haired man. "It's Bunnymund!" He exclaimed, ignoring said Pooka's outraged squawk. "They wouldn't have Bunnymund as their mascot if they didn't believe in us!"

"Jack," Obviously, the shock of Tooth's pancakes combined with her later fury had inflicted some sort of damage upon the boy. "That is a clown."

"Exactly! And if that's not enough evidence, then look!"

North was afraid to do exactly that, but courageously pressed on, and came face to face with...himself. "What is this?"

"They're toys! Of us!"

He poked at the effigy of himself, marveling at the accuracy of the figure. His fellow guardians, sans Jack, appeared to be engaged in the same activity.

"So, _now _do you believe me?" Jack crossed his arms, in the way that indicated superiority.

"Wait a minute! How did you even get these?" Bunnymund questioned. "I mean, for you to have these, you would have had to buy something from them which would mean that they would have to be able to see you..."

The group fell silent as they all realized exactly what had just transpired.

"So you, Jack, knowing all along that they would be able to see us, spent ten minutes providing us with absolutely unrelated information in an attempt to convince us that they would be able to see us?" North could practically see the steam rising from Bunnymund's ears and braced himself for a migraine.

Jack chuckled sheepishly. "Um...yeah?"

* * *

Twenty minutes later, North had managed to get the sleigh in motion and the group was on their way to McDonald's. "So, have you thought about what you want?" He questioned the passengers. Of course, North himself already knew what he was going to get, having heard wonders of the restaurant's cookies and milk. "After all, we are going to be using the drive-through, and will not have much time to deliberate on our choices then."

"Well, even though I still think that we should have gone to Burger King, I'll settle for some chicken nuggets," Bunnymund announced, oblivious to the fact that the rest of the guardians were still attempting to get used to the fact that Bunnymund actually ate meat.

"You do realize that McDonald's sells burgers?" Jack questioned.

"Of course I know that! But they can't be as good as Burger King's! I mean, Burger King has burger right in the name!"

"Five Guys doesn't have-."

"Boys...Jack," Tooth smiled sweetly at the both of them. "I do hope that you won't be getting anything...sugary."

Jack's face fell for the briefest of instants, before he immediately recovered. "Ha! Sugar? _Me_? As if! It's not like I was planning on getting every single dessert on their menu, right? I mean, how _unhealthy _would that be? Um, hey! North! Aren't you planning on getting cookies? Tooth, why don't you go...go make sure he's healthy too?"

Tooth frowned. "Why would I do that? North is an old man!" North felt rather injured by that statement. "You're still a growing teenager!"

"I am not old! I merely possess more years than the rest of you!" He felt that an interjection on his part was solely needed, as his comrades were obviously deluded in their opinions about his age.

Everyone turned to North, sympathetic to his denial.

"I am not!"

"Ha! And that's like saying Tooth's cooking is good...," Jack trailed off as he realized what he had said.

"What," Tooth's smile had disappeared.

"Oh, look! We're here! Land the sleigh, North!" Jack unsuccessfully attempted to blend in with the bright red sleigh. Sandy patted him on the back.

By now, North was quite indignant about that fact that all of the Guardians considered him to be old and landed the sleigh with a petulant frown upon his face. He turned towards the speaker, ready to order, when the voice coming from it stopped him in his tracks.

"Hello, _Guardians, _may I take your order?" The worker's voice, complete with an evil cackle came from the speaker.

"PITCH?!"

* * *

"Hm? Are you surprised to hear that I'm alive and well? You see, I can never be destroyed, for there is always fear in the world!"

"Um, y'know, I think we're more surprised to hear that you work at McDonalds. I mean, you, the incarnation of fear itself, work at McDonald's," Jack recovered enough to pry for answers.

"Fool! I do not _work _here, I _rule _here!" Pitch declared with glee.

"What."

"See, when I returned to the mortal plane, I-. Actually, there seems to be quite a line of impatient customers behind you, so I would ask that you park your sleigh somewhere and come inside my palace. Trust me, there is nothing worse than having to hand out coupons to satisfy angry customers." With that request, Pitch was replaced with another worker.

North was not extremely optimistic about fighting the Nightmare King in a fast-food restaurant, but they needed answers.

Ten minutes later, Tooth and another driver had resolved their argument over the parking space, and the reindeer were successfully tied to a nearby sign. Turning to face Pitch's lair, they braced themselves for a fight, pushed open the double glass doors and walked in.

Pitch awaited them on the other side of the counter. He leered at them, resting his head on his palm. "Welcome to my domain, Guardians. Now, to finish what I started earlier...where was I?"

Sandy provided a helpful picture of a plane.

"Ah, yes. When I returned to the mortal plane, I roamed the land, searching for a solid source of fear, something I needed in order to regain my full strength. And then, one day, I was inexplicably drawn to this spot. You see, this very building we are standing in, I believe that not only is it a source of fear, but it is the embodiment of all the fear in the world! And therefore, I harnessed this power for my own, becoming the Supreme Overlord of McDonald's!" Pitch cackled in delight, basking in the sheer glory of his own plan._  
_

"What?!" Tooth gasped. bringing her hands to her mouth. "How can this place that harbors so many children be a source of fear?"

"Oh, my dear Toothiana, the children are simply _terrified _when they are here. How could they not be, when staring into the face of evil?"

"The face of evil?" Jack pointed to the clown mascot. "You mean him?"

"As usual, you understand me better than the rest of the Guardians, Jack Frost. That is exactly what I mean. He is a deity, a symbol to be worshipped for all eternity! All who gaze upon him are struck with terror greater than mankind has ever known!"

Jack was triumphant. "I knew it! Bunnymund! Reveal your true colors or else!"

"...What?" The Lord of McDonald's was lost.

"What?" Bunnymund lunged at Jack, fully prepared to knock some sense into the snowflake.

"I retract my previous statement of your understanding, Jack. But that is beside the point. Now, you are all trapped in my domain, and there will be no one to stop me conquering the world with fear! This place was merely the first step. As we speak, I have my minions creating Nightmares for me, in mass quantities. They are everywhere, in your desserts, in your coffee; in these marvelous things they call chicken nuggets," At this point in Pitch's evil monologue, Sandy decided to get down to business and ask the _real_ question.

_'Can we still get our food?'_

* * *

Pitch's new system, as it turned out, was actually quite efficient.

Within five minutes, the minions had provided the Guardians with cups, dipping sauces, and North's order, which, to the Russian's dismay, was not baked on the spot. Now, they were crammed into a booth in the corner, and North was regretting his decision to sit next to Sandy who was sitting next to Tooth, as that forced Jack and Bunnymund to sit on the same side.

"Kangaroo, you're squishing me!"

"If you weren't hogging so much space, then maybe I wouldn't be forced to do that!"

As the two continued to trade insults, North attempted to bring the conversation back to the main problem. "So, fellow Guardians, what are we going to do now? We are sitting in Pitch's lair, and he has already announced his master plan to rule the world with fear once more. Lastly, there is the matter of _that,_" North pointed at the "Face of Evil" that Pitch had seemed so reverent of.

"I think it's _staring _at us, North!" Tooth returned the clown's gaze with a glare of her own. "Staring is _rude!" _The fairy ignored the looks she was receiving from the other patrons.

Sandy had turned away from them, opting to break up Jack and Bunnymund's quarrel.

"I _still _haven't forgive you for the eggs, you know," The Easter Bunny pouted at the window.

"What? Stop living in the past, Bunny!"

"That was this morning!"

Before the argument could progress into a full-scale, physical fight, golden sand yanked the two apart and kept them firmly planted to their seats.

"Sandy? What is it?" Jack was somewhat put off by the interruption, but acknowledged the higher wisdom of Sandy's judgement.

_'I think the food is ready.'_

As soon as the picture of hamburgers and fries appeared above the Sandman's head, Tooth, Bunnymund, and Jack were out of their seats and practically trampling each other in a race for the food. Well, at least the males were. Tooth appeared to be trying to drag Jack back, screaming about sugar and tooth decay.

North scratched at his beard tiredly. "So, Sandy," He decided to talk to someone that would not bestow upon him the sudden desire for an aspirin. "Christmas is a much better holiday than Easter, is it not?"

Evidently, this was the wrong topic for a conversation starter.

Sandy shook his head and moved to the bathroom, most likely to avoid being seen in public with the lunatics that were currently rolling on the floor and clawing at each other's throats.

* * *

Two hours and thirty minutes later, the Guardians found themselves in mortal combat with Pitch.

"You shall never take my empire from me! NEVER!" Pitch shrieked above the howling wind.

"We must destroy the clown! It is the source of his power! Without it, he won't be able to fight us!" North ordered the Guardians in general.

The pedestrians and patronizers had evacuated the premises at this point, while the workers were puzzled as to how their boss had gone from ditching work to watch a movie to cackling maniacally and hurling sand at other strange people.

"Minions!" Pitch called down to them, immediately catching their attention. "Protect the deity! He is the key to my plan!" He made a vague motion towards the seated Ronald McDonald, but they got the general idea. In the hopes of a pay raise, one particularly brave worker moved to acquiesce to the boss's request.

"Oh no you don't!" Tooth dove towards the terrified man, sweeping him off of his feet and carrying him a good distance away from the smiling statue. "Stay put," she declared, setting him down on the highest point of the PlayPlace. "And make sure you're brushing your teeth everyday!" The fairy could not resist adding over her shoulder as she darted back into the fray.

Pitch groaned in disgust and frustration. "Ugh, minions! You can't depend on them for anything! Is there _no one else _who will do my bidding?" Seeing as how his subordinates simply stared in mute terror, he supposed not.

"Yes! An opening! Someone, go! Destroy it!" North cried, taking advantage of the situation.

The clown was immediately covered in a thick layer of ice, before his perpetually smiling face was promptly shattered by a vindictive Bunnymund, who stood over the remaining shards in grim satisfaction.

The dethroned King of McDonald's screeched in horror at the demise of his power source. He collapsed to the ground, thoroughly exhausted and stripped of his abilities. The Guardians loomed above him.

"Fine, fine! You win! You don't have to drag it out, I get it. Blah, blah, blah, 'Pitch, you have done wrong.' Will you please just accept some coupons and go away?"

"No, Pitch, you will face punishment for your crimes" North boomed, fully prepared to tie the man up and throw him into the barn.

"So, that's a no on the coupons?"

"Yes."

"It's a yes?"

"No!"

Unfortunately, Pitch had managed to distract the Guardians with his cunning wit and wordplay and used that time to teleport away in a flurry of sand. Bunnymund leapt at him, but was too late, and his paws met nothing but air.

"He escaped..," North felt somewhat disappointed in himself.

_'But he'll be back, eventually,' _Sandy reasoned. _'And when he his, we'll get him then.'_

"Yeah, you're probably right, Sandy," Jack headed towards the door. "So, it's like seven-thirty. Who's up for dinner?"

North needed an aspirin.

* * *

_Elsewhere..._

Now that the previous source of fear had been destroyed, Pitch could detect faint traces of another one. He followed it for several miles, eventually stopping at a colorful, cheerful place.

He was absolutely sure that this was the perfect place for his new kingdom.

Catching sight of a creature that emanated evil beyond all reckoning, he moved towards it, drawn in by its natural malice. Yes, he would stay here for a time, recovering his strength, and then, when he was ready, he would strike back against those accursed Guardians.

"Excuse me sir, are you going to purchase a ticket or not? There are other people waiting."

"What? Oh," Pitch hadn't realized that the line had advanced so far. He dug into his robes, searching for loose change. Surprisingly, he actually had accumulated quite a bit during his brief reign as Overlord of McDonald's.

He watched as she counted the several hundred coins and one dollar bills that he had managed to scrounge up, patiently waiting, never taking his eyes off of his new power source.

"Thank you," The woman handed him his ticket. "And welcome to Disneyland. Enjoy your stay."

Welcome to Disneyland indeed.


End file.
